my name is george.

a year ago, I was different.
a year ago, I was eagerly awaiting fall break.
a year ago, I thought I understood God.  I thought I knew how He was working in my life, where He was leading me. I thought I knew what I needed to do to live my life for Him.  I had the Christian thing down pat,  knew what I needed to say, I knew how I was supposed to act.  I essentially thought I had God in my back pocket.  I carried Him around with me, living my life.
I forgot that I wasn’t just living my life.
I forgot that my brain is far too small to comprehend His glory.
I forgot that the Lord can literally do ANYTHING to bring Himself glory, to draw His people nearer to Him.
Basically, I forgot the gospel.  I was living a works driven life without even realizing it.
I was taking a bottle of soda that was my life, and shaking it. I was shaking it vigorously.
Then, because the Lord never stops pursuing me, because God sees Jesus when He looks at me, He opened that bottle of soda.
It went EVERYWHERE.  Every aspect of my life was drenched in this sticky mess and I had no idea how to clean it up.
This horrible event happened, and dozens of people were hurt.
I turned to self-pity. I turned to self-hate. I turned to my friends.
I turned to everyone but Jesus.
Gradually, this black plague took over my heart. I still talked and walked like I loved Jesus, but inside I knew.  I was mad.  I was mad at God, for letting this happen, for putting me through this time of uncertainty, for making me doubt my purpose in this world. 
I completely forgot that Jesus is the only hope I have.  I forgot that He is there for me when I need peace. I forgot that I was not going to find satisfaction from anything, anyone, if it wasn’t Him.
The whole time, He was there.  When I spoke against Him, when I doubted his presence.  He was there. 
Finally, a year later, I know that.  I believe that. What I wouldn’t give to relive the past year trusting in that. Trusting in the Lord.  
Basically, this is what I know.  The Lord needed for me to tear my heart to shreds, just so I could finally learn to give it back to him to fix.
All of the time I spent wallowing in guilt and in shame, was spent so I could realize that those dismal thoughts are on the cross, dead where my savior hung for me.